The holidays can be a tough time for everyone, but especially for children. Family drama arising during the holidays can put children in stressful or unsafe situations. Incidents of grandma wanting a kiss, cousins wanting a hug, or an uncle wanting your children to sit on his lap all have possibilities of making children or parents feel uncomfortable. Parents of young children (about three to eight years old) need to know how to set boundaries in family dynamics, the necessity of teaching children to advocate for themselves, and effective strategies for ensuring their safety.
Know Who Your Children are Around
The holidays are typically a time where families gather together. Most people assume that family members are safe; however, “90% of children are sexually abused by someone they and the family know well, and 70% are abused by a family member” (Fike, 2022). Therefore, even with close family children need to practice setting boundaries.
Boundaries
Boundaries are guidelines set to maintain healthy relationships and one's well-being. It is important that you help your children set specific and firm boundaries. Setting boundaries includes learning to say no, because “[s]aying yes when you really want to say no impacts… self-esteem and self-respect” (Taylor Counseling Group, 2022). Expect family members to respect your children's decisions when they say no and stay firm with the boundaries that they want to set for themselves.
Respecting Boundaries
Teaching children to set boundaries should be taught around the time they are entering preschool, helping them learn to advocate for themselves. Setting boundaries starts with teaching your children empathy. It is important to respect your children's limits on offering affection and take them seriously, because “dismissing children’s boundaries is often something grown-ups do all the time without realizing it” (Jacobson, 2024). Parents need to be more conscious of helping children set and respect their own boundaries so that they have them when it really matters.
Hugs and High Fives
As a parent, it is appropriate to teach your children consent. It is a tool that will help them navigate saying “yes” or “no” to any affection. As noted by the American Association of Pediatrics, parents may start by teaching their children “the idea that all people have the right to govern what happens to their own bodies” (AAP in RVA Pediatrics 2024). Another method that will help your children learn about consent is by teaching them about their body autonomy and what areas are 100% off limits. Parents can also teach their children by asking permission to touch them and encouraging others to do the same. Additionally, parents can help by mediating and offering alternative gestures; instead of a hug your children might be more comfortable with a high five (The Alliance, 2023).
Safety Techniques
Part of helping your children to be safe and set their own boundaries is to help them understand safety techniques. Here are 5 suggestions to get started:
1. Secrets vs. Surprises
Keeping secrets is often a way that abusers keep children from telling anyone that they are being abused. Parents should teach children that “secrets are usually about something unsafe or harmful”. However, surprises are meant to hide something fun or good for a short amount of time, these may include a party or a gift. Help your children understand that if an adult or other children asks them to keep a secret, they should tell a safe adult immediately (Fike, 2022).
2. Safe Adult
A safe adult or safe person is someone your children can confide in when they are uncomfortable. Parents can help their children identify safe adults and build confidence in asking for help. This way children have a safe person they can talk to if they think that something is wrong or if they are being mistreated.
3. Get-A-Grown-Up Scenarios
Teaching children about some simple Get-A-Grown-Up Scenarios will help them advocate for their own boundaries. These scenarios might include a person who is hitting others, someone who won’t take no for an answer, or might simply be a situation where they do not feel comfortable or safe (Jacobson, 2024)
4. PANTS Rule
The PANTS rule was designed by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC, 2024). It simplifies the basic rules of bodily autonomy. The acronym stands for:
P- Private is Private
A- Always Remember Your Body Belongs to You
N- No Means No
T- Talk About Secrets That Upset You
S- Speak Up, Someone Can Help
This memorable acronym can help children grasp the key points of the concepts of bodily boundaries without fear or confusion
5. MBF 5 Safety Rules
The MBF 5 Safety Rules are strategies to help children respond to abuse, bullying, and other types of victimization (MBF 5 safety rules©, 2024). The rules are:
Safety Rule #1- Know What’s Up
Safety Rule #2- Spot Red Flags
Safety Rule #3- Make a Move
Safety Rule #4- Talk it Up
Safety Rule #5- No Blame, No Shame
These rules could help save children from abuse or save their life.
Keep in mind, the holiday season can bring about situations that may be challenging for both children and parents as family dynamics intensify. Helping your children set clear, respectful boundaries with family members not only safeguards the children’s well-being, but also teaches them valuable life skills. By empowering children to advocate for themselves and equipping them with safety tools, parents facilitate a safer environment where children feel supported and protected. By instilling these practices early, we help ensure that children feel secure and confident in asserting their boundaries, even in uncomfortable family settings. After learning the information about how to help your children set boundaries, you might be wondering how to look out for red flags and how to talk with your children about seeing these warning signs. Learn more about red flags and how to have difficult conversations with your children in part two of this blog, coming soon.
Reference these other articles for more information on how to help children establish boundaries and remain safe, especially over the holidays:
- https://mbfpreventioneducation.org/tips-to-keep-kids-safe-over-the-holidays/
- https://taylorcounselinggroup.com/blog/set-boundaries-for-difficult-family-members/
- https://mbfpreventioneducation.org/mbf-5-safety-rules/
- https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/
References:
Alliance, The. “8 Ways to Teach Kids about Consent and Healthy Boundaries.”
Connecticut Alliance to End Sexual Violence, 16 Aug. 2023, endsexualviolencect.org/8-ways-to-teach-kids-about-consent-and-healthy-boundaries/.
RVA Pediatrics. Child sexual abuse. (2024, September 23).
https://rvapediatrics.com/Child-Sexual-Abuse-2
Fike, A. (2022, December 21). Tips to keep kids safe over the holidays. Monique Burr
Foundation. https://mbfpreventioneducation.org/tips-to-keep-kids-safe-over-the-holidays/
Jacobson, R. (2024, April 19). Teaching kids about boundaries. Child Mind Institute.
https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/
MBF 5 safety rules©. Monique Burr Foundation. (2024, June 4).
https://mbfpreventioneducation.org/mbf-5-safety-rules/
Talk PANTS. NSPCC. (2024).
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/
Taylorcounselinggroup. (2024, October 7). 10 ways to set boundaries with family
members. Taylor Counseling Group. https://taylorcounselinggroup.com/blog/set-boundaries-for-difficult-family-members/
Ms. Rebecca McGaughnea is a student at Methodist University majoring in Biology, Criminal Justice, and Forensic Science.
Ms. Olivia Toler is a student at Methodist University majoring in Criminal Justice and Forensic Science.
Ms. Alara Ilteralp is a student at Methodist University majoring in Criminal Justice and Forensic Science
Dr. Eric See is the Division Head for Criminal Justice and Military Science and a Professor at Methodist University.
